Homebum

“When I was around 17 years old, I spent a little time traveling around the country. I left with a few friends, a car, a bag of clothes, and around $200 cash.

We made it to Arizona and met up with another crew of vagabonds at a rest area, and I traded my car to a couple of tweakers for a gutted ‘53 Chevy school bus for us gypsies to travel in.

The bus made it a few cities over before it died. We parked it the backyard of a cantankerous old hippie who drank a lot of Red Dog and only ate spinach, and refused to let us in the house to use the toilet. He was a dick.

Anyway, we took to the streets and would all gather whatever resources we could for the day, and meet back up at the bus at night.

This particular city had tunnels running all under it. They were dry, and a lot cooler during the day than it was above ground, so a lot of the street kids hung out there during the days. We’d just drop down through manholes like the ninja turtles. I thought that was the coolest shit ever.

So here comes the crazy part. I was down there one day, and lost my bearings. I wasn’t sure which street I was under or which way to go. As I’m standing there trying to figure it out, I hear some shuffling footsteps coming, and I’m squinting, trying to see who it is.

I said something along the lines of who is that, and got no answer, but the shuffling got faster. When he came into the shaft of light under a manhole cover, I saw who he was. He was what we referred to as a Home bum. He was an old drunk, likely mentally ill, not one of us, not our kind. Home bums were to be avoided. They were the scary crazy homeless people

So I started running… and so did he. And he was catching up to me, seeing as I had my pack weighing like 50 pounds on my back. I got to another manhole, stopped in the light, grabbed my knife from my boot, and turned around holding it out to scare him away.

And it went into his neck. Just went right in. I tried to yank it back but couldn’t. Twisted it, and it came out, along with a lot of blood. A LOT. He was standing there baring his teeth at me, broken 40 bottle in his hand.

I bolted.

Found a hole, went up, washed my hands in a spigot behind a pizza parlor.

I still don’t know if he died or not.”

Desperate Housewives

“I’m female and when I was 14 I slept with my first girl. She was 25 and lived a couple houses down from me . When I was 15 I slept with my 30 year old neighbor. One of her kids was only a couple years older then me. Come to find out my brother had slept with her too! Small world. After that the 25 year old and the 30 year old slept together. Years later, the 60 year old dad of the first girl I slept with asks me for naked pictures of me and my girlfriend for money- so I did it. I do it. It has happened several times.  Any time I need extra money he pays me for pictures of me with my girlfriend. It’s like having a sugar daddy without the sugar (Splenda daddy).”

The Worst Tattoo Ever

“My friend came over and showed me some new tattoos that he had on his forearms that he had gotten from a guy he knew. The tattoos look really good so I decided that I also wanted to get a tattoo done. The first tattoo that he did for me (a bird on my collarbone) turned out decent, so I decided I wanted another piece on my forearm.  A month prior there had been a shooting at the house where I was being tattooed. He started on my tattoo around 5 in the evening, but almost immediately  went into the bedroom and was taking his sweet time.  He then emerged and continued tattooing. Everything seemed to be coming along smoothly, but the next thing I knew it was 3 in the morning and my arm was swollen and raw.  While doing my tattoo he was talking a lot and kept spitting on my arm. I told him how unsanitary that was so he decided to take bleach water and wipe my arm off. After 10 hours of intense pain I told him I was ready to go home. He begged me to let him finish the tattoo. I told him that he had promised me that the whole tattoo would only take 2 hours and it had been 10. He then apologized and admitted to having done some meth right before he started my tattoo. I freaked out and left. The next day I ended up in the emergency room with my arm swollen and red. They said I was allergic to the ink. As I was leaving the ER  with my terrible new tattoo on my arm (which wasn’t even what I asked for) I noticed that I had an Ohio license plate on my car. I immediately called the cops. When they showed up they informed me that the plate belonged to a stolen car from Ohio. They told me what the car looked like and I told them where I had seen it – at the house where I got my tattoo.  The cops tracked the car down, towed it away, and got my license plate back. The guy ended up doing a year in jail for it. To make it worse, a few months later my hospital bills came in. $700 worth of bills plus the $100 I paid the guy for the tattoo. Long story short I should have went to a shop..”

Lucky Strike

 “I was going to the bar with some Hooters girls (I had been talking to one of them for about a year). As we were crossing the street to the bar, a car sped up, cut its wheel towards me and hit me at about 50 mph.The guy that hit me never even stopped his car. I was lucky enough to have not broken bones, but when I got to the hospital the hooters girl asked to be my girlfriend. I thought to myself, ‘I should get hit by cars more often!’ I ended up in a straight leg brace for two months.”

Jailhouse Contemplations

“I once landed myself in jail for hitting my husband during a mental breakdown. When the jail still had me in the 21/3 lock up (21 hours in the cell, 3 hours out of it every day) I got stuck with the most god awful cell mate. This bitch was pregnant as all hell and a tweaker. Of course they had her on daily methadone treatments because the poor baby was also addicted to whatever the hell she had been caught doing.

Every day you could tell she was high as a kite from the methadone when she came back. She would never ever shut up. And the entire time I had been in there, when I wasn’t asleep I was reading. When I read, I don’t like to be disturbed at all. This bitch though, would not stop talking ever. Even when I would ask her to stop so I could read and try to finish the book I was reading before I got moved to the gen pop area.

Naturally, when she was high she wouldn’t listen. The day I got moved to gen pop was also the day I had figured out exactly when the deputies would do rounds and look into the cells at night and was seriously contemplating suffocating her with her pillow. Thankfully they moved me so I didn’t have a murder charge added on to the assault and harassment charges I already had. Befriending a person who was in for first degree murder in a murder for hire plot probably didn’t help the situation much because she had kinda given me the idea.”

I Had a Threesome With My Baby Daddy’s Girlfriend.

“My kids father has always pissed me off (I mean I did leave him for a reason). We couldn’t even communicate about the kids without arguing, so when he got a new girlfriend I often relayed messages through her to make things easier. Soon we became close friends.

One night she texted me about how he had pissed her off and she wanted to have a girls night out, so we went out dancing. We ran into another of my exes and he started dancing with us. We left, and of course my ex immediately started texting. He was talking about he wished he could have us at the same time and I showed her the text. She laughed and said, ‘Tell him to come get us!’ 😂 I was shocked. She was serious! So he came and got us, and that was the night I took my baby daddy’s girlfriend home and had the best threesome of my life!”

Some Things You Can Never Unsee..

“So as everyone goes about their day, most things seem normal. Some things you’ll see that are just crazy given the chance you see them, sometimes you just can’t unsee but you wish you could’ve. I work in a hospital and you wouldn’t think you would see too much as someone who just deals with insurance and registration, but you see almost as much as the nurse taking care of the patient. One day I’m coming up on this young man – real clean-cut, attractive, and has some pretty kick ass tattoos for someone who’s only getting out of high school. He had tried to kill himself because someone he might have adored (I don’t know) told him to kill himself. So he tried. He slit both of his arms and overdosed on sleeping pills. As he tossed and turned in the bed I couldn’t help but think, “Why? You’re so attractive.” I guess that goes to show it doesn’t matter how you look, no matter how you look or carry yourself… some are better at hiding pain. As he laid there he slowly put his head down and with his teeth he yanked out his IV they’d put in just minutes before. I don’t know about you, but that is not something you wanna feel yanking out of your skin. All I could do is just clinch and gasp. It was awful to watch. It was a good thing he was too out of it to even notice.”

Once Upon a Time in Mexico

“I used to go to street races every weekend. The area was called Mexico to keep the cops from catching on (even though they typically busted the spot a few hours into racing).
Well, one night a Pizza Hut delivery car showed up. We all thought someone there had ordered pizza. Instead, he raced 3 times in his obviously not worked on little Honda – losing each time. Turns out that he had pizza that was supposed to be delivered in his back seat and was wasting time for another delivery to be ready. He was also lucky enough to leave seconds before the cops swarmed Mexico that night too.”

I Guess I’m a Masochist

“So I’m at a small shop in a town close to mine. I’m was only like 20 or 21 and it was my 3rd or 4th tattoo. I’m female and the artist was male (a very, very attractive one at that). So all he was doing was fixing up a tattoo someone else messed up. So, he starts the tattoo and I started getting horny in the chair. I put my head down and he asked me if I was OK. I looked up at him and said, “Yes,” and smiled. I crossed my legs and bit my lip thinking, “Well, I guess I’m a horrible masochist.” Man, never have I ever wanted to have sex with someone so badly in my life… What’s worse, my boyfriend was in the room with us!”

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